- Baby Boomers Moderate Exercise; Notice Scarcity Of Seniors In Marathons By : Tom Attea
Baby boomers, who exercise more than any generation before them, have been flocking to orthopedic surgeons to tend to their aching tendons and joints.
As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines.
Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were no... - Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video By : Tom Attea
Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him.
Here's how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera ... - Gossip: What People Say About It By : Tom Attea
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.
What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”
We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”
Before we turn to the ... - U.S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B.S. Into Fuel By : Tom Attea
While America is experiencing a gasoline shortage, the nation’s dependence on foreign oil is about to end.
A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondered if it might be turned into fuel.
The hypothesis proved so promising that his work produced a marvelous result in as short a time as it ... - Russia Defends Iranian Nuke Program; Considers Position Good Customer Service By : Tom Attea
While the civilized world has reacted with horror at Iran’s plan to harness the energy of the atom, as in bombs away, Russia has steadfastly defended the menacing mullahdom’s nuclear ambitions.
At first, any person distinguished for responsible behavior is taken back by such apparently reckless advocacy, not only because it seems wildly risky, if not outright self-destructive, but also because one does not expect it from people who have decided to present themselves as suc... - France Attacks Iran: U. S. And Britain Object By : Tom Attea
France, casting aside its usual insistence on diplomacy, even when it’s obvious to every person who happens to be alert that it can’t work, finally grew impatient with Iran’s centrifuge-rattling behavior and launched a unilateral attack on it.
As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a land assault from warships in the Persian Gulf, the United States and Britain voiced immediate objections.
President Bush said, “I just d... - Gas Prices Go "Gas-Tronomical!" By : Tom Attea
Recently, the price of gas has gone up approximately three or four times a day, depending on how energetic the person is who climbs up and changes the prices at your favorite filling station, until the only word for the skyrocketing astonishment is "gas-tronomical!”
President Bush took a bold stance on the issue, saying, ““Americans understand the price of crude oil is going up but they will not accept manipulation of the market. And neither will I!”
Proud words, perhap... - I'll Get Up In Just A Minute By : R. Vener
Are you one of those people who wake up in the morning, fully refreshed and singing with happiness at the start of a bright new day?
Well, most of us aren't. And frankly, we'd rather those of you who are would knock off the racket. We're trying to get a little last minute sleep before staggering off to get our morning coffee.
Those final minutes in bed are golden.
You know the ones I mean, the last precious moments, still snug and warm under the covers, fully awake a...
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